1 00:00:01,240 --> 00:00:05,100 ? And I love you so ? 2 00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:08,300 When one experiences a mildly-traumatic event... 3 00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:13,520 I think it pertinent to bury oneself in one's work. 4 00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:16,980 Here we have Bacillus anthracis. 5 00:00:17,080 --> 00:00:19,100 Very much like Bordetella pertussis, 6 00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:20,860 it forms a calmodulin-dependent 7 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:23,380 adenylate cyclase toxin known as? 8 00:00:24,880 --> 00:00:26,340 A presence was making itself felt. 9 00:00:26,440 --> 00:00:28,380 A djinn? A ghoul? 10 00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:31,340 Hmm, an undergrad? 11 00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:44,780 Knock, knock. 12 00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:51,540 How did you? 13 00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:52,820 Listen, I told you. 14 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:54,540 I'm not gonna play in your group. 15 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:56,700 We're not in a group. Fucking hell, we're in a band. 16 00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:58,180 Think The Clash meets Dickless, 17 00:00:58,280 --> 00:00:59,620 with a lashing of dead Barbie. 18 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:01,780 - But a bit shit. - Yet totally unique. 19 00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:03,820 We cordially invite you to be in our band. 20 00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:05,900 Why? You saw what happened. 21 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:07,100 Puke aside, we think you're good... 22 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:08,180 Ish. 23 00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:09,260 Plus, bodily fluids 24 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:10,460 are less frowned upon in punk. 25 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,060 Punk? No, sorry, I can't. 26 00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:13,780 - We know what you want. - What? 27 00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:16,140 "Microbiology PhD student looking for male, 28 00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:18,020 "medium to devout Muslim, enjoys mini golf 29 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,660 and stimulating conversation." 30 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:24,700 - Oh, you're reaching. - Reaching for the "D." 31 00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:28,380 No, no, I'm looking for a husband to settle... 32 00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:31,900 To settle on to some "D." 33 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:33,420 - Juvenile. - Yup. 34 00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:36,300 Listen, audition with us for Sound Smash, 35 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:38,580 and Ayesha will set you up with her brother. 36 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:40,100 - You know Ahsan? - Sound?what? 37 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:43,300 Wait, Ahsan is? is your brother? 38 00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:48,820 I'm aware of him, yes. 39 00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:51,260 What do you say? 40 00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,580 We struck a deal. 41 00:01:57,680 --> 00:01:59,420 The die was cast. 42 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:01,580 The terms, simple. 43 00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:03,340 I would audition with Lady Parts 44 00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:05,420 for this Sound Smash competition, 45 00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:07,620 some battle of the bands type thing, 46 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:10,620 in exchange for a meeting with Ahsan. 47 00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:13,300 Simple as pie. 48 00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:18,900 Hey, it's Ahsan, Ayesha's bro. 49 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,460 I was wondering if you wanted to go for dinner 50 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:26,540 on Wednesday night, maybe? 51 00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:29,340 Yeah, cool. Bye. 52 00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:37,060 Nice one. Well played. 53 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:39,740 It's warm with a hint of pathetic. 54 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:41,220 Winning strategy. 55 00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:42,900 I don't understand why I have to do this. 56 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:44,940 You wrecked her vehicle, you owe her. 57 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:46,540 It was barely even a scratch. 58 00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:47,860 She ain't gonna shut up until you've done it, 59 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,020 so for both of our sakes, dine this loser. 60 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:52,940 She seems interesting. 61 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,020 Not my usual type. 62 00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:55,540 Oh, sorry, 63 00:02:55,640 --> 00:02:58,200 we're fresh out of manipulative narcissists. 64 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:02,140 You'll like Amina. She's...cool. 65 00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:08,260 ? And I love you so ? 66 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:12,060 ? The people ask me how ? 67 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:14,180 ? How I used to live ? 68 00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:20,260 ? I tell them I don't know ? 69 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:21,500 ? And yes, I know ? 70 00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:22,980 Great, okay. 71 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:24,660 Okay, you know what? 72 00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:26,940 Why don't you just play along with one of our songs? 73 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,380 Lyrics and chords all there. 74 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:30,140 Let's do "Voldemort Under My Headscarf." 75 00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:32,380 Oh, uh, sorry. Sorry. 76 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:35,580 Did you say "Voldemort Under My Headscarf?" 77 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:38,380 Yeah, you got a problem with my lyrics? 78 00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:40,600 Your lyrics? 79 00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:44,220 No. 80 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:47,540 No, not at all. Uh, I get it. 81 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:51,140 It's?it's just, um, I'm not sure people will get it. 82 00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:53,860 - Hmm? - What do you mean? 83 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:57,900 I don't know, uh, some people might find it offensive. 84 00:03:58,000 --> 00:03:59,540 Well, fuck people in their eye sockets. 85 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,540 We all contribute to songwriting, 86 00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:05,060 so why don't you give us an idea of lyrics 87 00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:07,180 that work for you? 88 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:10,660 Yeah, okay. Sure, um, okay. 89 00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:14,260 So, uh, maybe instead of 90 00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:16,020 "Voldemort under my headscarf," 91 00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:19,100 you could do "I love to wear my headscarf," 92 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:20,500 you know, less... 93 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:21,900 more...yay! I don't know. 94 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,700 Yeah, maybe? 95 00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:25,540 So like, maybe... 96 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:28,660 ? I love to wear my headscarf ? 97 00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:30,220 The lyrics! The lyrics! 98 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:31,420 - Calm down! - She's dead! 99 00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:32,620 Are you mad? 100 00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:34,180 Despite my rocky start 101 00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:36,900 to band practice, I was feeling fine, 102 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:40,340 'cause I had a date with Ahsan. 103 00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:42,860 - Oh, wow. - I know. 104 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:45,140 And he messaged you on the app? 105 00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:48,940 Yes. Yep, on the app. 106 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:51,140 I couldn't tell Nora about Lady Parts. 107 00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:52,620 She already thought me teaching guitar 108 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:54,140 wasn't entirely appropriate. 109 00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:55,380 Wow. 110 00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:57,180 I mean, it's only a first date. 111 00:04:57,280 --> 00:04:59,780 Uh, first meeting. 112 00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:02,980 Sorry. Yes, first meeting. 113 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:04,700 What does he study again? 114 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:06,900 He's doing a masters in anthropology. 115 00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:09,900 Ooh, and he's a black belt in jiujitsu. 116 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,740 Although from his voice note he sounds like a pacifist, 117 00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:15,260 like he would only fight in self-defence, 118 00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:19,460 besieged on all sides, or to protect my honour. 119 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:43,820 You should wear pastel, a light blue or green hijab, 120 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:45,900 elegant and fun, but not too fun. 121 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:48,220 You should totally pair it 122 00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:49,780 with that nude lip I got you. 123 00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:52,700 Um, I was thinking of wearing the red hijab 124 00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:54,340 and pairing it with the pink lip. 125 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,020 The red is my lucky hijab, so I? 126 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:58,300 I'm telling you, do not wear the red. 127 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:00,540 Brings out your shame. 128 00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:02,700 Oh. 129 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:04,140 I don't know she's, like, 130 00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:05,700 pure potential, you know what I mean? 131 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,380 She's just, like, mad skilful, 132 00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:09,300 but doesn't really know it, a total freak, 133 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:11,820 but in a really normal person way, you know? 134 00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:13,420 Yeah, yeah, totally. She's like really deep, 135 00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:15,060 but in a shallow way. 136 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:17,340 And she's got lots of width and breadth going on, 137 00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:19,740 like angles, angles, angles. 138 00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:21,740 - It's all about the angles. - Fuck you. 139 00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:24,500 I'm sorry. It's just... 140 00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:27,460 I'm jealous of this Amina person, man. 141 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:29,460 She's clearly got you all hot and bothered. 142 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:30,940 Oh, no. 143 00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:33,060 You're the only person who could do that. 144 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,420 Okay, okay. 145 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:35,860 Yeah, but Amina, Amina, I love you? 146 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,180 - Oh, shut up! - Saira was convinced 147 00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:38,820 that I was the missing link, 148 00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:41,340 but the others, not so much. 149 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:44,800 Salaams, everyone. Sorry I'm late. 150 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:48,700 Okay. Meeting is now in session. 151 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:51,600 - What's going on? - Why you being all secretive? 152 00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:56,540 We need to talk band strategy. 153 00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:58,820 Saira is our great leader and front-woman, 154 00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:01,100 so we've got to entertain her fanciful ideas, 155 00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:04,980 but we all know this Amina thing isn't gonna fly 156 00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:06,420 if we wanna get into Sound Smash. 157 00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:09,380 And what were you thinking? 158 00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:13,540 Lady Parts online presence. 159 00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:16,140 Have you asked Saira about this? 160 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:17,820 No, not yet. 161 00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:20,260 But anyway, I'm the band manager, not Saira. 162 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:22,740 It's up to me to get us some profile and get us some gigs. 163 00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:25,140 So yeah, we're... 164 00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:26,780 we're going online. 165 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:29,820 Auntie Saira is going to be angry. 166 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:39,460 There is more to life than husbands, you know? 167 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:40,820 Ma, please, I'm not in the mood. 168 00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:42,500 You know, I mean, you go chasing 169 00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:44,700 all these serious brothers, but do you ever think 170 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:47,820 for a second, will they care for your needs? 171 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:51,340 - What? - You know, in the bedroom, 172 00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:54,700 your feminine requirements, wink, wink, nudge, nudge. 173 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:57,900 Okay, this is inappropriate, grossly inappropriate. 174 00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:00,180 It is my parental duty to talk openly 175 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,340 - about the bees and the trees. - Mm, no. 176 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,100 No, it's not, Ma, no one's parents do that. 177 00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:06,140 Well, I won't be blamed then if you run off to Syria 178 00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:08,780 to marry a jihadi because we didn't have "the talk." 179 00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:10,980 If I ever run off to Syria to marry a jihadi, 180 00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:12,260 it'll be because I ran away from you. 181 00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:13,620 No. 182 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:15,980 Who's marrying a jihadi? 183 00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:27,020 Okay. 184 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,460 - Hi. - Hi. 185 00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:35,580 - Oh, that's really nice. Thank you. 186 00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:38,060 No worries. 187 00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:45,340 So have you come from far? 188 00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:49,300 No, just, you know, White Chapel Way. 189 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:51,260 He was even more ravishing in the flesh. 190 00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:52,660 I think I saw you at the fundraiser. 191 00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:53,660 We don't have to talk about that. 192 00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:55,760 Sure. 193 00:08:57,600 --> 00:08:59,740 So, uh, where are you from? 194 00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:01,740 Where am I from? 195 00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:03,500 That's a big question, you know? 196 00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:06,140 Where am I from, from? Where am I from, from? 197 00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:08,100 I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to? 198 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:09,580 I know that's really annoying. 199 00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:12,100 - I-I'm just messing. - Right. 200 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:13,900 Funny. 201 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:15,580 - Uh, originally from Iraq. - Oh. 202 00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:18,300 A descendant of Babylonian kings, no less. 203 00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:20,060 But I grew up in Shepherd's Bush. 204 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:21,660 - Huh. - I'm a West London boy. 205 00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:23,540 Who knew three simple words 206 00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:25,980 could cause such netherward stirring? 207 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:29,220 West London boy. 208 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:30,740 - You go to Queen Mary's too. - Mm-hmm. 209 00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:31,780 I don't think I've seen you around. 210 00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:33,540 Mmm, no. 211 00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:35,980 Um, I haven't really clocked you either, ever. 212 00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:39,380 Ayesha mentioned you're doing a PhD in microbiology. 213 00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:42,180 Yeah. Yes, I am. 214 00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:43,660 It sounds really dry, doesn't it? 215 00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:45,800 I think it's cool. 216 00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:48,380 What's your area? 217 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:50,420 Pathogen activity. 218 00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:51,980 I think humanity has greatly underestimated 219 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:53,580 the clout of the microbe. 220 00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:55,940 "The Clout of the Microbe," what a great film. 221 00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:58,460 What? 222 00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:01,300 It was a bad joke. 223 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:02,940 Humour. 224 00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:06,360 It's? 225 00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:12,140 So, uh, how's the, um, anthropology going? 226 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:13,660 Uh, good. Thanks. 227 00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:15,180 I'm currently looking at tribalism 228 00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:17,140 and pack mentality in the modern man. 229 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:20,380 - This sounds fascinating. - I think it is. 230 00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:21,540 Marry me. 231 00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:22,940 - Should we order? - I do. 232 00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:25,240 I mean, we should, yeah. 233 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:29,340 He's just so beautiful. 234 00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:30,860 How is it possible? I don't understand. 235 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:32,740 Okay. Keep it together, soldier. 236 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:34,620 - Pretty isn't everything. - Mm-hmm. 237 00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:37,420 Pretty doesn't pay the bills. Pretty doesn't feed the kids. 238 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:38,820 - Yeah. - Now, listen. 239 00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:40,500 If you wanna close the deal, 240 00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:43,260 you need to show him you ain't putty in his hands. 241 00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:45,900 You've got criteria. 242 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:48,060 I do? 243 00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:50,900 - It's really tasty. - Yeah, super yum. 244 00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:53,580 Uh, so, um, question. 245 00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:56,900 Uh, what sort of thing are you looking for? 246 00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:58,580 Looking for? 247 00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:02,860 Uh, seeking, apropos of potential persons of interest. 248 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:06,140 - You mean romantically? - Sure. 249 00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:08,100 I don't know. 250 00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:11,060 I guess I'm just looking to meet like-minded individuals 251 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:12,980 and see how it goes. 252 00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:14,580 Are you open to further developments, 253 00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:17,340 vis-�-vis meeting like-minded individuals? 254 00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:18,820 - I don't understand. - Marriage. 255 00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:20,540 Are you?are you fond of the concept? 256 00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:22,260 Obvs, I'm not just saying that we, you know... 257 00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:27,020 General thoughts welcome. 258 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,900 I mean... 259 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:35,100 I have not hitherto sought any nuptial arrangements 260 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:38,860 given my current academic engagements. 261 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,220 Oh, sure. 262 00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:42,700 But I don't find the institution 263 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:46,740 morally objectionable or anything. 264 00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:48,580 You? 265 00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:50,300 Me, marriage? Yeah, big fan. 266 00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,340 Obvs, not like an intense... 267 00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:53,980 Kind of way?like, in a yeah, one day, soon. 268 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:56,260 Yeah. Yeah. 269 00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:57,460 More chicken? 270 00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:05,740 So how do you think that date's going? 271 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:07,140 Fuck knows. 272 00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:09,100 She might have proposed to him by now. 273 00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:11,220 She's going in for a husband. It's kind of intense. 274 00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:15,460 I mean, what's wrong with wanting to get married? 275 00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,260 For one, marriage was invented by men 276 00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:19,540 as a way of making alliances with other men. 277 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,020 "Here, marry my daughter and I'll give you 278 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:23,340 a couple of camels and this cheese bread." 279 00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:25,020 Cheese bread? 280 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:27,580 It's a tool of the patriarchy. 281 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,100 That's just my opinion. 282 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:30,900 People should do what they like. 283 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,380 What do you think about us? 284 00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:35,980 Us? 285 00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:39,780 Yeah, it's been six months of this, 286 00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:42,420 and I'd like us to be official. 287 00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:44,700 Official, huh? Official how? 288 00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:46,140 Dating. 289 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:49,140 I mean, official capacity dating. 290 00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:50,660 Okay. Then what? 291 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:54,300 What then post-official capacity dating? 292 00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:03,440 It's impossible to have a conversation with you. 293 00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:08,680 You gotta be fucking kidding. 294 00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:17,060 Um, I had fun. 295 00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:20,180 My bus stop is just... over yonder. 296 00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:23,940 Yonder, that's funny. 297 00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:26,940 - I bid you adieu. - Oh! 298 00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:33,500 I wasn't sure physical contact 299 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:35,740 was entirely appropriate, 300 00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:38,020 but brazenly, I went for it. 301 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:40,980 - Oh, okay. - I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. 302 00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:43,860 Bye! 303 00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:46,740 The evening's events 304 00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:48,340 played in my mind, 305 00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:51,500 repetitious in nightmarish Technicolor. 306 00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:57,340 Every little stupid thing I said and did 307 00:13:57,440 --> 00:14:01,140 ripping into my retina with violent glee until... 308 00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:32,120 Oh, shit. 309 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:49,340 How'd it go? What happened? 310 00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:50,900 Spill your guts. 311 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,380 He was really nice and kind. 312 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,100 He thinks I'm cool. 313 00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:57,060 He hoped I got home okay. 314 00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:58,300 And he wants to hang out again! 315 00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:02,740 This all felt really, really good. 316 00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:05,340 Sad and lonely spinster no more. 317 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:08,620 Desirable male hoped I got home okay. 318 00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:11,500 You should totally invite Ahsan to my engagement party. 319 00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:14,060 Really? It's still pretty early. 320 00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:15,980 Babe, it's fine, you met him on the marriage app. 321 00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:17,300 He knows the deal. 322 00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:18,820 I'll speak to Imran, 323 00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:21,700 but I'm sure he'll be cool with it. 324 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:23,660 Okay! 325 00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:25,960 How'd it go? 326 00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:30,820 Can I get some privacy please? 327 00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:33,300 - No. - How'd it go? 328 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:36,560 - She's nice. - So do you fancy her? 329 00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:40,780 She's not really my type. She's intense. 330 00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:41,980 You friend-zoned her, yeah? 331 00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:50,780 She's inviting me to an engagement party. 332 00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:53,140 - Guess not, then. - You've gotta go. 333 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:55,340 He can't go. That'd be leading her on. 334 00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:56,700 You just don't want her in the band. 335 00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:58,060 No, I just think it's fucking wrong 336 00:15:58,160 --> 00:15:59,380 to deceive her like that. 337 00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:01,540 Even massive dweebs have rights, man. 338 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:03,180 Maybe lead her on just a little, 339 00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:04,980 until we audition for Sound Smash. 340 00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:06,580 Hold on, no. That's cold. 341 00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:07,940 Saira, no wonder Abdullah's 342 00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:09,220 on the verge of a mental breakdown. 343 00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:10,540 You're fucking heartless. 344 00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:12,580 Friend-zone her. 345 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:16,320 I'm not heartless, am I? 346 00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:21,520 Guys, do you mind? 347 00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:35,460 - Ow. - There. 348 00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:37,380 We're official. 349 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:40,800 I've just officiated us into...officialdom. 350 00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:47,320 Okay. 351 00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:50,700 All right. I'm gonna fuck off now. 352 00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:53,120 Bye, girlfriend. Love you! 353 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:04,860 What's going on? 354 00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:06,380 We don't start for another hour. 355 00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:10,140 We just wanted to have a little parlay. 356 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:13,080 Why don't you sit down? 357 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:18,180 Go on then, parlay. 358 00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,540 Lady Parts is officially online. 359 00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:23,060 I've put band profiles up on Facebook, Twitter? 360 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:25,180 - You did what? - This is not a dictatorship. 361 00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:27,340 Come on, what's the harm in trying social media? 362 00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:28,980 We tried your Amina thing. 363 00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:31,180 How many times do we have to go through this? 364 00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:34,300 The Internet is where creativity and truth go to die. 365 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:35,380 Ugh. 366 00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:36,980 If you put our music online, 367 00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:39,060 it'll be ripped off by "insert corporation here" 368 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:41,260 to sell Pop-Tarts and iPads, 369 00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:43,580 to fentanyl-sniffing infants with the sole purpose 370 00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:45,860 of lining the pockets of Silicon Valley technocrats. 371 00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:47,620 - Fuck that! - Yeah, fuck that! 372 00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:49,740 - Bro, seriously. - No, I'm sorry. 373 00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:52,300 Listen, we'll audition. We'll get in. 374 00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,660 And we'll find our audience by playing. 375 00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:56,940 We'll take our music to the people the purest way. 376 00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:58,100 Well, you don't get to the audition 377 00:17:58,200 --> 00:17:59,660 if you can't pull a crowd. 378 00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:01,540 We need a following. 379 00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:04,020 No. Take us off now. 380 00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:06,660 We've already got 30 followers. 381 00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:09,380 Look at them. They're us. 382 00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:11,060 Younger us's when we didn't even know 383 00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:14,120 Peeps suckers even existed. 384 00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:22,020 This is temporary. 385 00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:26,540 As the days went by, 386 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:30,140 news of my successful match with the Ahsan spread rapidly. 387 00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:32,860 Every sister and their sheikh knew about it. 388 00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:35,180 I was no longer a washed-up loser. 389 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,580 I was a woman in her power. 390 00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:39,820 And a woman in her power walks 391 00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:42,860 with a certain bossy swagger. 392 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:54,580 Hey, I'm sorry, should have been clear. 393 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:57,420 I really like you, but just, you know, as a friend. 394 00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:58,820 Probably not a great idea to come 395 00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:00,380 to your friend's engagement party. 396 00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:02,420 It was great to meet you. 397 00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:05,460 It's Ahsan, by the way. 398 00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:07,300 Yo. Oh, shit. 399 00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:11,020 - Oof. - Okay. 400 00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:12,740 Cool. 401 00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:14,020 Let's go. 402 00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:15,940 Let's go. Let's go. 403 00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:17,500 "Voldemort Under My Headscarf." 404 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:20,380 I-I had some ideas. 405 00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:22,380 - Wanna talk about it? - Nah. 406 00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:23,700 It? What it? 407 00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:25,300 We're sorry it didn't work out. 408 00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:29,020 Mmm, it, it, it? uh, there isn't even an it. 409 00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:30,380 We met once. 410 00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:33,300 I don't know him. What it, right? 411 00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:35,900 The only it that exists is the it in my head. 412 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,900 The made-up stupid, fantasy it 413 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:42,380 that only exists in my silly little girl head, right? 414 00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:45,060 How does it become so big so fast? 415 00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:46,740 What kind of nobody lets that happen? 416 00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:48,860 This girl! 417 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:50,860 You're looking at her. 418 00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:53,020 - You're not a nobody. - Oh, come on, you knew, right? 419 00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:55,660 You knew she's a thirsty nobody that will jump 420 00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:57,540 if you dangle any passable male in front of her. 421 00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:00,380 You knew that I couldn't resist Ahsan when you offered him up. 422 00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:01,980 That is my problem. 423 00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:06,620 I-I lose my mind over every Bashir with a good beard 424 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:09,300 that smiles at me, you know? 425 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:10,380 Sorry. 426 00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:14,060 Bashir with a good beard. 427 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,760 - That's brilliant. - What? 428 00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:22,580 ? Why won't you love me? ? 429 00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,780 ? Why won't you text me back? ? 430 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:27,540 ? Leave me on read ? 431 00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:30,620 ? Ghost me like I'm dead ? 432 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:32,820 ? Are my clothes too tight? ? 433 00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:34,980 ? Do I laugh too much? ? 434 00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:40,300 ? You say I'm not polite, I say fuck you very much ? 435 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:44,100 ? Bashir with a good beard ? 436 00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:46,060 ? You're so pretty, you're so pretty ? 437 00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:47,340 ? You're so pretty ? 438 00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:48,980 ? Bashir with a good beard ? 439 00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:51,820 ? You say you think I'm weird ? 440 00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:53,780 ? Bashir with a good beard ? 441 00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:55,380 ? Won't you love me? ? 442 00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:56,700 ? Won't you love me? Won't you love me? ? 443 00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:58,540 ? Bashir with a good beard ? 444 00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:01,140 ? You're gonna disappear ? 445 00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:13,260 ? We'll have two sons ? 446 00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:15,940 ? Bilal and Hala ? ? Nasir and Hussein ? 447 00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:18,940 ? We'll watch "Bake Off" and eat KFC ? 448 00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:20,180 Halal! 449 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:21,900 ? Are my clothes too tight? ? 450 00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:23,340 Yeah! 451 00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:25,220 ? Do I laugh too much? ? - Yeah! 452 00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:27,620 ? You say I'm not polite, I say ? 453 00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:30,380 ? Fuck you very much ? 454 00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:34,660 ? Bashir with a good beard ? 455 00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:36,260 ? You're so pretty, you're so pretty ? 456 00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:39,940 Something momentous happened that day. 457 00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:43,420 I, with Lady Parts, had penned a punk anthem 458 00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:46,900 shorn from the fabric of my life. 459 00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:49,020 I had never written a song before. 460 00:21:49,120 --> 00:21:51,700 ? You're gonna disappear ? 461 00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:29,980 - That was sick. - That was so sick! 462 00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:31,460 - What did I tell you? - Oh, my gosh. 463 00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:32,600 - What did I tell you? - What did she tell you? 464 00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:33,940 Amina, that was sick, man. 465 00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:35,740 It was all right. 466 00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:40,620 Even though I had been unceremoniously 467 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:42,420 friend-zoned by Ahsan, 468 00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:44,700 I felt different after playing with Lady Parts. 469 00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:47,700 Lighter?I don't know, braver. 470 00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:51,020 Okay, so I spoke to Imran, and he's totally cool with you 471 00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:52,780 bringing Ahsan to the engagement party. 472 00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:54,140 You are welcome. Yay. 473 00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:55,620 Yay! 474 00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:57,500 - Yay! - That is so great. 475 00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:00,180 Okay, so, um, bravery wasn't quite there, 476 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:02,540 but come on, what can I say? 477 00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:04,940 Crusty spinster back in business, 478 00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:07,700 massive loser back on the shelf. 479 00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:10,140 You and Ahsan are gonna have the cutest babies. 480 00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:11,860 We literally cannot wait to meet him. 481 00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:13,980 Literally gagging to meet him. 482 00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:15,580 I wish I could tell them the truth. 483 00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:18,980 Yeah, I'm literally gagging for you to meet him too. 484 00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:20,900 But I couldn't. 485 00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:23,320 Okay, so Saturday, you'll both be there? 486 00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:26,620 Deffo, both of us. 487 00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:29,740 Me and him. Me and my man. 488 00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:31,300 Mm? 489 00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:33,140 I mean, potential future spouse. 490 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:34,580 Inshallah. 491 00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:36,100 So what's the colour palette for the wedding? 492 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:37,460 What is his style? 493 00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:38,660 His eye colour, brown or green? 494 00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:40,020 And how tall is he? 495 00:23:40,120 --> 00:23:41,740 Is he taller than that?